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28th December 2006

...when I thought everything was ok.  I'm just being stupid.  I'm taking every little thing and blowing it out or proportion, but the little things mean a lot to me.  Does that make me a bad person?  Maybe what makes me a bad person is that I can't let anyone else share these little things?  It has to be us or nothing.  So for about a week, it's gonna be nothing for me.  I'll sit here, update this and do revision and homework.  And be sad, listening to my depressive music.  I'll sit in bed and watch charlie and the chocolate factory, staring at my phone waiting for it to go off.  Like I have been all morning to see if I have a life between now and Friday.  Which I doubt I do. 
Blah.  I need a hug.  Reassurance.  A laugh.  I don't want another fight.

27th December 2006

...but I have found myself being drawn to posting another random entry on here.  Not that anyone is even reading it.  Or cares.  Check the big emo eh?  Argh, I just want the ground to swallow me up whole, or for someone to want to spend time with me.  For him to text me.  For her to know I wasn't having a dig earlier.  It's probably me just being pathetic again.  The end of this year has been sucky, and I know that January is going to be sucky too. 
I should be happy.  I want to be happy.  Hell, I was happy on Friday for a while, just having a laugh.  And Saturday was great, we were being best friends again.  And then on Monday I just got all bummed out being the slave.  I hate being the youngest.  I hate that there is nothing exciting about Christmas anymore.  Christmas is no fun if you are alone, or if there are no small children to watch being amazed at a cardboard box and not caring what is inside it.
So here is too a crappy new year!  And a crappy January!  And a crappy first 11 days of February.  Then I've got one night of happiness before being told I have failed all my prelims.  Which I should be studying for now.  Oh well.  It's only school right?  I mean, I have to look at the big picture, I am just one person.  There are billions of other people out there that are so much worse off than me.  So many people that would be glad to just have spent Christmas together with their family, but not me, no I have to be selfish.  And complain about being the youngest and being the slave for the day.  I have to be annoyed that I am not priority over a boy.  I have to be annoyed that after spending all day with somoene one day that I don't hear from them in the next four days.  I have to be annoyed that everyone else has a life.  And other friends. 
I just want more good times.  I don't want them to have to be a memory, I want them to be the present and the future.  But I don't know if it will all last, everyone else is growing up, moving on, knowing what they are going to do with themselves.  I have a year and a half of stability then I'm out there on my own.  Not that I'm even going to get to go out into the big bad world.  I'm scared I'll be stuck here forever.  I want to see the world outside what my family has seen.  I want to get out their on my own and do my own thing.  I want to do something I love, not just something that I can do. 
Right now, I would just like my bro to stop drumming so I can get back to studying.  And maybe a text from a certain someone.  Or for people to come online and talk to me.  Maybe it's me?  Maybe I'm everyone's problem and without me everyone would be a lot happier?  I need people around me, but maybe the people that are around me are sick of me?  I dunno.  I thought Friday was ok.  It took me a while to actually open my mouth and say anything because I was scared of things that could get thrown back in my face.  People that I don't know, that think they know everything about me.  Maybe Friday changed their opinion of me, or maybe Friday was all an act and they are laughing at me now more than ever.  But then, maybe I should stop worrying about what they think about me and get on with studying.  I'm not going to get out of here with no exam results......So yeah, here's to a crappy start to the year, and hoping it gets better.

I will try and make the next one a bit cheerier.

Surprisingly, it is possible.

19th December 2006

...so I'm talking to everyone, doing a bit of a Peyton without the whole Pod casting thing.  And if anyone reads this, and understands that then please stick a comment on this.  I love OTH and have no one to talk to about it. 
Anyway, I expected to be a little happier seeing Australia regain the Ashes on the highlights last night.  I was too ill to be properly happy.  And other things on my mind which I don't want to go into.  The best part of believe is the lie and all that jazz, right?  I am happy.  It just all needed to sink in.  It has now.  This will make no sense to you if you don't know me, but I don't want to go into details.  Argh?!?! There really is no point in this.  I'm doing it to open up a little, but I'm still being a closed book.  Meh.

Right...today started badly.  I was really disappointed in my best friend for lying to me but I took it too far.  I realise that and I will fix it.  I have to make sure that JB understands that I am happy for her. I am I am I am.  I would just be happier if someone would just notice me.  Just a hello would be nice.  But that is obviously too much.  I'm not meant to be happy or something?  Or I'm just waiting for the nonexistent person that understands me, football, cricket, music and can maybe play an instrument or two?  That doesn't smoke.  Or do drugs.  Or is a ned. 
Do guys like that even exist?

Today improved though.  I got a full sentence from my grandad.  A whole two words. Perfectly clear.  And that really made my day.

Actually, I think that Jen just made it even better.  Haha.

Now people are trying to make me feel less sucky about myself and I just feel worse.  I should be worrying about real problems, not the lack of love in my life. 
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