...but I have found myself being drawn to posting another random entry on here. Not that anyone is even reading it. Or cares. Check the big emo eh? Argh, I just want the ground to swallow me up whole, or for someone to want to spend time with me. For him to text me. For her to know I wasn't having a dig earlier. It's probably me just being pathetic again. The end of this year has been sucky, and I know that January is going to be sucky too.
I should be happy. I want to be happy. Hell, I was happy on Friday for a while, just having a laugh. And Saturday was great, we were being best friends again. And then on Monday I just got all bummed out being the slave. I hate being the youngest. I hate that there is nothing exciting about Christmas anymore. Christmas is no fun if you are alone, or if there are no small children to watch being amazed at a cardboard box and not caring what is inside it.
So here is too a crappy new year! And a crappy January! And a crappy first 11 days of February. Then I've got one night of happiness before being told I have failed all my prelims. Which I should be studying for now. Oh well. It's only school right? I mean, I have to look at the big picture, I am just one person. There are billions of other people out there that are so much worse off than me. So many people that would be glad to just have spent Christmas together with their family, but not me, no I have to be selfish. And complain about being the youngest and being the slave for the day. I have to be annoyed that I am not priority over a boy. I have to be annoyed that after spending all day with somoene one day that I don't hear from them in the next four days. I have to be annoyed that everyone else has a life. And other friends.
I just want more good times. I don't want them to have to be a memory, I want them to be the present and the future. But I don't know if it will all last, everyone else is growing up, moving on, knowing what they are going to do with themselves. I have a year and a half of stability then I'm out there on my own. Not that I'm even going to get to go out into the big bad world. I'm scared I'll be stuck here forever. I want to see the world outside what my family has seen. I want to get out their on my own and do my own thing. I want to do something I love, not just something that I can do.
Right now, I would just like my bro to stop drumming so I can get back to studying. And maybe a text from a certain someone. Or for people to come online and talk to me. Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm everyone's problem and without me everyone would be a lot happier? I need people around me, but maybe the people that are around me are sick of me? I dunno. I thought Friday was ok. It took me a while to actually open my mouth and say anything because I was scared of things that could get thrown back in my face. People that I don't know, that think they know everything about me. Maybe Friday changed their opinion of me, or maybe Friday was all an act and they are laughing at me now more than ever. But then, maybe I should stop worrying about what they think about me and get on with studying. I'm not going to get out of here with no exam results......So yeah, here's to a crappy start to the year, and hoping it gets better.
I will try and make the next one a bit cheerier.
Surprisingly, it is possible.